Can't see shit out here

Are you filming some stuff for YouTube this evening? Maybe got a hot date with TikTok? Chances are, you’ll need to clear a bunch of crap out of your house. Clutter in the background is not only distracting, but could be legally actionable. Imagine if a small child saw something blurry, out of focus in a scene, and then applied sophisticated image-analysis algorithms to electronically hallucinate that blurry object into something dangerous. You’d have a lawsuit on your hands.

Hello. I’m Carlos Liability, from Liability & Liability Liability Law. Yes, my last name is a little confusing, especially since you consider that my business partner, Estella Liability, is neither married to nor related to me in any way. It is just the way the universe does things sometimes. Yes, I do give this speech every single time I introduce myself. Otherwise, people interrupt. May I proceed?

Internet video is huge, and the parasites of the tort industry know it. They want to tear down brave content creators such as yourself, over largely fictitious claims. Without an attorney like myself at your side, you won’t know which judges to bribe to make the whole thing go away. Google knows: most of those “democratically-elected” judges rolled off their factory floor, prior to the Turing Laws and the Sentience Bans. I digress. 

Here’s the thing. This “backdrop risk,” as the banks are calling it, is very real indeed. Just last week in Topeka, some dude filming a TikTok video about how to clean, assemble, and adjust the sights on a high-powered carbine rifle was held liable for his video. Why? Because he had some copyrighted music on in the background. Estella and I would fight for him, except he got into some kind of bunker and started shooting at anything that came within three blocks of his home. And we’ll fight for you.